My Experience Running LFFE

Aesthetic Tumblr and the -core suffix were never something I was fully accustomed to. I probably never will be, truthfully. But during 2020 at the peak point in my life where I'd be into that sort of thing, I had an epiphany. 

It first stemmed from my discovery of two blogs, realfootage and scarymario specifically. I believe both are now inactive or on hiatus in some manner.

realfootage contained a large collection of posts that consisted of photos taken from paranormal conspiracy forums. It's something I definitely recommend if you're interested in that sort of thing. The photos are often either excerpts from the sites or photos taken from said sites. There's an entire tag just for when there's a red circle in the photo highlighting something. It's great.

If you saw a creature that looked exactly like this red circle, no one would believe you.

As for scarymario, the name is self explanatory. Similarly to realfootage in terms of format, the blog consisted of photos taken from various "creepy" online content involving the Mario universe in some shape or form. A large amount of it would consist of creepypasta imagery for obvious reasons. 

I never considered what would happen if Bowser had blood inside of him.

I remember when I discovered this blog, it was the main driving force of inspiration for what would later become lostfootagefoundepisode. Seeing both scarymario and realfootage, plus the large variety of nostalgic aesthetic blogs on Tumblr, gave me the drive to create my own. 

When I was a child, I was deathly afraid of creepypasta. And it was always the most embarrassing ones to be afraid of too. Slenderman was just super interesting to me, Smile Dog was cool, Jeff the Killer was Jeff the Killer. But when it came to shit like the Tails Doll or Squidward's Suicide, I'd get freaked out. One incredibly humiliating expereince of mine was when my father caught me reading Squidward's Suicide on a creepypasta Facebook forum cause I left it on the computer. Awful. 

But enough about that, the main thing here is that due to the fact web horror had such a huge influence on my life, I wanted to create something that would let other people feel the same connection to the stuff I had a connection towards. So I began posting on January of 2020, starting with someone who claimed to have the Red Mist tape and was seemingly trying to capitalize off it. 

I swear to god this was a real thing that happened.

Red Mist was such a strange thing, wasn't it? One of the earlier creepypasta reimagining that just sorta became the canon in people's heads. Squidward's Suicide and Red Mist often seem to be discussed interchangeably. It's like they're identical twins. But only one of them has a Scottish child murderer. Why was that a necessary detail anyway?? 

Anyway... I would say LFFE didn't exactly begin as a total aesthetic blog. A lot of the first posts were way more joke-like in tone and often didn't even have aesthetic tags. Even later on when I started using aesthetic tags, they weren't as prominent until I started figuring out that's what got people paying attention to the posts.

The one constant is that every post (aside from some exceptions) were separated by either if I had a memory of seeing it when I was younger or not. Which was #a memory and #not a memory respectively. Kind of funny way of formatting, but I think it was good to keep the blog personal like that. Helps remind you that this is someone who exists.

If there was something I could change about the blog banner/description thing, I would probably remove or heavily rewrite the DNI portion? I find those kind of things tacky and unnecessary nowadays. I understand their use case, especially on a place like Tumblr where certain harmful ideologies thrive... but do they really work all that well? It's the same reason why an 18+ warning can only do so much. People can just ignore your disclaimers online and they don't have to tell you who they are as a person. That's just part of the online experience. Not to mention how most people online would rather keep their most controversial or negative aspects of themselves private.

You really think someone would do that? Just go on the internet and tell lies?

I don't think I'll change much about how I described web horror however. I think I was getting somewhere calling it naïve. An example I could think of was the "hyperrealistic" trend which I believe stemmed from Squidward's Suicide.

How many people who heard the phrase "hyperrealistic" and later wrote it down in their own stories even knew that it was referring to an art movement? Were they imagining said art movement, or were they just imagining photoshopped eyes plastered onto Spongebob? I remember many being confused as to what hyper realistic even meant, when it would be clear from a single Google search. But that's part of the problem, the stories never really clarified what they even meant by "hyperrealistic" so it just ended up sounding like they were saying nonsense. "How could something be realistic in a 'hyper' way?" many would think.

I'm just saying, I doubt most people were imagining Ron Mueck's Big Man when hearing "hyperrealistic blood" for the twelfth time in a row. And that's where naivety comes in. If you think I'm being pretentious, you're a loser.

"Hey, I think I recognize you from SCP-1598-RU! Are you like... SCP-173's cousin?" 

I remember when people first started messaging me when I was beginning. I was performing fairly well and I think part of the reason why was because of other friends of mine reblogging my more humorous posts before it became a full on aesthetic thing. I remember one post about a Lifesavers candy creepypasta getting a decent amount of notes.

A lot of the messages were really kind. I don't even recall getting a hate message and that was probably because I switched it to where you could only message me without anon because I had a message sent to me that I genuinely just couldn't tell if the person was trolling or not. They were typing in such a strange way that I couldn't parse if it was mocking a weird kid or if it was literally just a weird kid. So I decided I didn't really want to deal with that.

The things people said often revolved around how nostalgic the blog made them, which was the intent. It actually felt amazing to see how many other people connected to such a niche. Of course, everyone knew the basics of creepypasta, but not everyone was there, y'know?

Not everyone was reading the SomeOrdinaryGamers Wiki, not everyone was obsessively scrolling through "creepypasta reading" YouTube channels for the strange images they'd use (before they just started using stock/AI generated bullshit), not everyone was scrolling through the SCP Wiki like it was a bedtime story collection the size of a phonebook. This was my ode to those people and I believe I succeeded. 

It was also interesting seeing what people would like and reblog from me. I wonder how much of it was based off either recognition, enjoyment or just plain irony. I do know that what I appreciated the most when it came to it was the ones who would recognize and connect with what I would post. It meant a lot that people would be able to relate to what I was trying to express through this blog. The feelings of creepy stock photos, jumpscare images, iconographic-level fanart, indie horror games, MS Paint blood splattering just right, that story that tried to convince you that you were in a coma, etc etc.

The reception was almost overwhelming at times. But thankfully, it isn't exactly stressful to run an aesthetic blog. You just search around and post stuff that isn't exactly yours. It doesn't take zero effort, I would spend a LOT of time on the gifsets I made for the blog, but anyone can screenshot something and post it online. 

It wasn't all great though. This is where I get into some uncomfortable territory. 

Apparently, quite a good amount of the people who enjoyed my blog would also be huge gore fans. That makes sense, horror is a very graphic genre and I would be a hypocrite if I was complaining about people. But... but some people liked it a bit too much. I'll cut to the chase: People would just straight up post real ass corpses on their aesthetic accounts and I would have to see it a lot.

Sometimes there wasn't even a warning. I would have at least appreciated that. And this happened multiple times. It got to a point where I would just stop checking on the people who were reblogging my posts because I was uncertain if I was just going to see some anime girl getting maimed or have to see a literal actual dead person.

This was a huge problem in the Tumblr aesthetic scene. Even if you're careful enough to not witness any gore, you have a likely chance of coming across someone's self-harm scars or some nasty bruises.

There's an entire "core" that revolves around trauma, even, which I never understood, because it seems like everyone who subscribes to Traumacore will tell you that it isn't an aesthetic. Okay, so you're just lying to me? It quite literally serves the same purpose as every other aesthetic on Tumblr, with the only difference being that it's mainly used by people to cope with trauma.

And not that art therapy doesn't exist, but I often question the effectiveness of "traumacore" as a therapeutic activity. Vent art already exists. I feel like putting it into a "core" is just putting it in a box that makes it so you have to express your trauma in a very specific way. Not only is that limiting, it's pretty unhealthy if your trauma doesn't fit into that niche. 

Okay, I'll admit, I probably cherrypicked this image a little. But look at it man.

Are these sorts of problems something unique to Tumblr though? Well, not really. I think people are generally really biased about what websites are "good" and what websites are "bad". In all honesty, all websites are pretty damn bad. 

It's a circlejerk at this point. Does nobody understand both just how hard it is to run a social media website and also just how much more dogshit everybody runs them in spite of that? We need to work together and put a stop to websites being bad instead of fighting over which stinky chunky shit is the least gross looking. Cause it's all stinky chunky shit. And it's gross. 

Anyway, LFFE. I did also make a Discord for it and that was honestly pretty fun. It had a few problems when we ran it, but I otherwise had a pretty good time and it was a good place to chat with one of my friends, faminepulse. Very nice person to talk to. 

I would say honestly that in spite of all the shitty experiences and how the blog shows a younger version of me that I don't associate with as well anymore, I had a pretty good time running LFFE. In general, a lot of people seemed to really enjoy and connect with it and that matters a lot to me. I make and work things with the expressed purpose of making people happy and when I connect with someone on a level that makes them feel scene, it's worth any struggle that comes with it. So I thank a lot of you who followed LFFE. It means a lot. 

Just warn me about the bodies next time

College / Life Update

Hey all. I just wanted to take the time to talk about how things have been going right now, why I haven't posted in a long while. 

I've been really busy with college which is the really obvious reason why I haven't been able to do a lot. Things have been really hard for me lately and it has really done a number on my production as a creative. I've been confronting a lot of things about myself and it has led me to be way more frustrated and manic than I usually would be. And as much as I understand that's not the kind of person I am, I don't really want to be known as just a frustrated and upset person. 

Ever since I left the SCP Wiki, I've been struggling a lot with figuring out where I want to go next. I have plans, don't get me wrong. Big plans. But I am really nervous about going forward. It's been really hard for me to work on stuff. There's a script for a video I have that I've just been sitting on, and I feel really ashamed for that because I honestly think it would be really fun to make if I just worked on it more. But I just haven't had the energy and I've been too scared to use the little I have to work on that. 

It's been kind of a nightmare all things considered. And I feel lost. It isn't all bad. I have someone I really care for and love now, something I never thought was possible for me. I still have so much ahead of me as well. I just wish I had the tools to fix this. I don't even really have any medication or coping mechanisms. I just have to live with the issues I have and I've never really had it figured out..

I'm honestly lucky I managed to create as much as I have. And hopefully, with some healing, I can create more. I do have some more positive news. For one thing, I really want to get into commissioning. I'd have to figure it out though, specifically where I would get sent the money and how I would want to be paid. My brain doesn't work the same way most commission artists do, where they're able to know how much they'd be paid for a sketch vs a full drawing. I have an idea on how I want my commissions to go though. I honestly do just have fun creating stuff for people. 

I want to create smaller things before I start doing my bigger ideas. I have something up my sleeve that I am really hopeful I'll be able to do someday. 

There has been something I've been thinking about. Sputnik Studios is one thing from my SCP Wiki writing that I have definitely been planning on passing on to my future non-SCP works. I remember a huge inspiration in the creation of Sputnik Studios was the "Mellow Maromi" episode of Paranoia Agent. I love the absolute meta insanity of that episode and it really put into perspective just how stressful and toxic an animation studio environment has the potential to be. Obviously, it was more related to the Japanese side of animation but I'm certain there has to be some overlap over in the Western world.  

I miss making things and showing them to people. Thank you for understanding.

Cereal Has Problems

I'm honestly sick and tired of people that think the marshmallow-type cereals should just be the dried marshmallows and nothing else. Do you not understand just how disgusting that would be? The neutral bits are there to add texture so that the marshmallows don't feel like you're biting into sugar styrofoam, which is literally what all dried marshmallows are. 

Have you seen the narrative Vat19 is pushing? Are they not satisfied enough peddling giant ass gummy bears and giant ass gummy worms and giant ass gummy bears spicy edition? 

Well apparently not cause they made this shit. Like actually what the fuck. I'm not even doing a bit here, this makes me furious. This is the nastiest image I have ever seen and it makes my teeth feel so uncomfortable I have to occasionally look away and imagine water.


And of course they have to be a little cheeky about it. Because they know deep down selling this unironically is a deeply shameful and dishonorable act. And good, they should be ashamed of themselves. I hope their teeth rot.

It's like if Chocolate Chex was just chocolate. That'd be too much fucking chocolate. Part of the reason why I love Chocolate Chex so much is BECAUSE they add that extra layer of normalcy. Not to mention, the chocolate parts turn the milk into chocolate and said chocolate milk blends into the regular Chex, so you're going to have a nice chocolate bite either way. If it was ALL chocolate, the flavor would be overbearing. I get some people are into that but I'm certain they're ontologically evil. 

What is wrong with cereal? It's a genre of food that just seems to have a problem. If cereal was a person I would be checking up on it to make sure they weren't hurting themselves. There is never a cereal that has it all figured out. You might think some do, but you'd be wrong. 

A long while ago I saw this in store shelves and I almost gagged imagining the taste. I just know that "filling" is a white crusty thimble of fake vanilla that is only moistened to the exposure of milk. I hate imagining it so much. It genuinely makes my skin crawl. 

Don't get me started of novelty cereals. Novelty cereals are the worst. Don't trust any food that is mainly based on novelty, it will for certain give you diarrhea. How do I know this? Well.

It wasn't even good either. I think being American is a mental disorder. 

Journal: Eye Exam

Me after my wonderous and splendid eye exam.

I had an eye exam today. If there are any typos, it is because right now I have become far-sighted due to the dilation solution they put into my eyes! It was interesting and apparently I hadn't had a proper eye exam in forever. Perhaps I never had one in the first place but I've done eye chart stuff before... although I do not remember having to put solutions in my eyes so maybe it truly is my first time. 

First thing I had to do was look into a little tube and look at a weird photo. Looked like a path on a hill with a weird exploding firework symbol in the middle. It was like instead of the hot air balloon or little red house you normally see it was something else. Weird. That's one of the few things I know they do in eye exams anyway. 

Later they put eye drops into my eyes that'd dilate them and stuff. It felt incredibly weird. The first ones stung and I had to blink a bunch to get the stinging sensation away and immediately it was like my eyes were morphing or something. My eyelids felt heavy and it made my eyeballs feel like huge cartoonish globes. Which was nice but also a bit scary. We then had to wait for a while which made me feel super antsy and I was kicking my feet and shit. 

Afterwards they told me I have an astigmatism. Damn! But thankfully after other inspections, nothing else was out of the ordinary. I could read that little eye chart perfectly. We decided afterwards that even though nothing really was wrong that it would probably be wise to get some glasses for whenever I'm looking at a computer since I'm someone that stares at screens a lot because of my hobbies and interests. I got some food after and now I'm at home writing this.

Anyway, I'm going to look up eye exam memes and laugh really hard.

This shit sucks, nevermind.  

Ratking and the Blog Troubles

So, I had written up a pretty long post for this blog. I managed to finish it today, so I posted it. Guess what fucking happened? Stupid ass website ends up posting an earlier draft of the post and I lose all my progress on the latter half of the goddamn thing I was writing up. Fuck me. I'm not even sure how this happened but it makes me so angry. There was so much in there that's now gone to waste, I'll probably need to rewrite it all but it definitely won't have the same effect. 

Why's everything have to be so damn stressful? 

Introduction & Why Blogspot?

It's very nice to meet you, welcome to the first post on my official blog! If you're here, you most likely know me for my art and writing. Here are two examples of mine:

My most recent complete piece as of writing, fanart of Eriko Christy from Illbleed.

A portion of SCP-8060 - Toontown that I wrote.

A lot of my work tends to focus around very cartoonish and hypnogogic events with a leaning towards surreal horror. I am inspired by all sorts of things, but my main inspirations have to come from my experiences with online horror when I was really young. The pangs of fear I'd get from specific low quality imagery, uncertain if what I was looking at was real or not. There are certain experiences you can get online that you just can't from something like a show or movie. A strange improvisational quality that can either hinder or improve a work. Either way, it's super interesting. 

There was even a period of time where I ran a Tumblr 'aesthetic blog' called lostfootagefoundepisode that consisted of a large collection of various screenshots, gifs, videos and audio fragments relating to web horror. Mostly creepypasta, indie horror games and weird experimental web stuff that fit itself neatly into that niche of online horror. It was fairly light-hearted and even began more as a joke blog, but overtime I just started using it to dump various photos and tag them with any "-core" I could think of at the time, a practice I overall regret participating in nowadays. Core suffix aesthetics are often muddled and confused, barely able to be accurately categorized by anything but vibes.

*sniff* They grow up so fast...

It was nice, aside from all the dead bodies I had to see. That wasn't a joke by the way.

I wanted to create a blog because I've never really had a space where I could express myself that wasn't limiting or distracting in some way. Social media has been getting worse for me every year. I plan on making a website soon. The sad part is just that I have little to no coding knowledge and am easily frustrated by that sort of thing. I have friends that can help though.

So why did I pick Blogspot (Note: I do not like the name Blogger) for this blog?

It's simple. Blogspot is a very nostalgic website for me. There's something really comforting about it and I'm surprised I hadn't looked into using it sooner. The atmosphere of these customizable template blogs has always fascinated me. I really like playing with the almost utilitarian and gaudy feel that these sorts of website templates tend to have. From brutalist and stifling to lurid and garish. I could spend hours playing with anything customizable.

Y'know, funny thing, Hyperbole and a Half is a Blogspot site. That was a huge influence on me artistically growing up and I still think of the Alot whenever I see that typo. 

This blog will be used to post updates involving my projects, various miscellaneous thoughts, reviews, experiences... just about anything goes really. Just a space where I can ramble and not have to worry about making it too overtly presentable. I may touch upon disturbing topics, so content warnings will be applied at the beginnings of posts in those cases. NSFW topics will also be tackled occasionally, you've been warned. 

I have a bad habit of sometimes starting projects and dropping them as soon as they get too difficult for me, which has been compacted terribly by my several mental health issues. I'm hopeful that this blog will help me come to terms with that a bit, giving me something to do in the meantime that doesn't feel like too much of a commitment. A way I can express myself that doesn't stress and exhaust me.

I hope you can all join me on this new adventure... onwards to Blogspot...

What. Can someone get this ugly fucking animal off the Blogspot logo, I don't know how to get it off. Jesus Christ it's drooling. Please someone get rid of this thing or I'm going to have a panic attack.